I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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