If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
