woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
