Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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