but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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