i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
