Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
