I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
