her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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