WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
