Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
