rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
