apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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