every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
