i wish starbucks made bloody marys
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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