He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
