Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
