How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
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