You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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