This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize