i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
