I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
