yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
