I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
