I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
