just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
