Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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