for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
