Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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