smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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