Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
