And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
