So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
