If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
