Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
