Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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