You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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