when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
