Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
