i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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