Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
