never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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