Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
