he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
