she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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