I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
