my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
