You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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