Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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