Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
