I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
