just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
