none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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